Frustration Beyond Belief

Journal Entry: 6-11-10

What am I doing here? I'm in Africa and I feel like I'm doing nothing. I don't really want to be around people, I've been escaping to my room. This isn't me. It sucks. Why am I afraid? Why can't I love these people? I am rather discouraged. I want to be comfortable here but I feel out of my element.
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith, so as to remove mountains but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:1-3
I don't want to leave Africa without loving the people here. I need to search for ways to love. I need courage.
"And like our Savior, who poured out His life and blood so we have reason to rejoice, we were made to lay down our lives and give until it hurts." -Francis Chan
My desire is to lay down my life and give until it hurts. Let me follow You, all the days of my life.

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Lace apron

I finally have internet again. What should I write? I was going to have journal entries to keep everyone up to-date but after re-reading some of them I've decided I shouldn't post everything....too personal. So, I am going to be selective in what I write. I do want everyone to know what God is doing in my life so the posts you'll read is what I've been experiencing the past week. Enjoy! Ha!

6-10-10
The most challenging thing I've had to deal with is understanding the role of the women in the Maasai culture. The women do everything around here: they make the houses (out of sticks, mud and cow dung), they prepare the food (serve men first), they clean, have babies, take care of the children. Women go through circumcision around the age of 14 and are given to a man a few months later, they can't even choose their own husband. The more items the Maasai men have the wealthier he becomes so the men try to gain as many women as they can afford and try to have as many babies as possible. Women have very little rights, they can't decide anything on their own and it makes me sad. There are so many expectations and the women have to meet them. This culture paints an even bigger picture in my mind as to how men are lazy beings, who take women for granted. No one marries for love, they marry because it is required. It seems everywhere I look I see relationships fail, not representing what God had intended and it makes me sad.

Me and MB were cleaning and Chris our language teacher told us that we were doing really good, the "work of women." It made me so mad! It is not my job to clean, men are very capable of cleaning. I understand that Chris is very proud of his culture as I am of mine (most of the time). Me and MB are asked to serve the men chai and bread and butter and it is killing me, one of the most humbling things ever. I love serving but not when I am told or expected to. I never thought I would have a problem in serving but here I do, it's eating me alive! I know people would probably say I'm silly and just get over it but I can't. I question as to why I am so strong-willed and opinionated...I don't have an answer for that question. Ha!
I hate lace. I don't like aprons. I was talking to a guy friend once and he said something that has really stuck, "Anna, sometimes I believe God calls us to do things we detest and for you it might be to stick on that lace apron and serve." He wasn't saying literally stick on a disgusting old lace apron, but he was saying you have to be willing to serve even when you really dislike it. That is exactly what I have been doing. I've been putting on the lace apron and serving. It's humbling but God is teaching me through it.

"Experience is a doorway, not a final goal."
-Oswald Chambers

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Learning lots.

We arrived to our compound two days ago; we packed the land crusier and trailer and headed two hours SW of Nairobi. When we arrived I was in shock by how nice our little duplex looked. I'm not sure what I was expecting but I thought it would be way worse. The house is built out of cement and is nicely furnished inside. The kitchen is small but there is a sink with a stove and oven. The oven has to be bungeed-corded shut but at least we have one. There is no running water so we have two huge buckets in the house that we have to fill for washing dishes and such. The water we get is rain water, so when it rains the water falls on the roof and runs down the gutter into a big tank outside. We also have a big bucket in the bathrooms for showers, I warm up a kettle on the stove in the morning and we mix the cold and hot water together for our baths. The toilet is an outhouse behind the duplex, it doesn't smell...yet...and is one of the nicest that I've seen. Yay!

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Our team and Chris

This week we are in our "intensive language and culture" study. We were placed with a Maasai man, Christopher. He is really sweet and helpful. I am excited to learn about his culture. I am trying my best to learn the language but I am more intrigued with their culture, ceremonies specifically. I get to see a wedding ceremony on Friday-yippee!!!!
I am rather traumatized because I found out that female circumcision still occurs among the Maasai. I thought this type of ceremony was banned but I guess not. I returned from a walk yesterday and I noticed a group of six women huddled together, I asked a worker at the clinic what was going on and he proceeded to tell me that these women were "leaders" from surrounding villages. I was confused at what he was telling me and he went on to say that these women were "leaders" in their villages because they were the ones who could perform the female circumcision; I guess they had come in to the clinic to discuss with the medical personnel about not using the same knife for each women but to use different ones so that disease is not spread? In my mind this ceremony should be stopped-I am trying to gather more information concerning this topic but I guess it is inappropriate to discuss this with men so I need to chat with a woman. My heart aches as I know many young girls go through this painful right of passage...

Female Circumcisers

Our language teacher was discussing how his village was set up-he drew a diagram explaining where and why houses were positioned. The animals are situated in the middle of the village so when wild animals come they are able to protect them. "If lions come in we take our spears and we go kill, we don't fear! If an elephant come though...we do fear! Spears do nothing." I thought this was hilarious yet extremely scary. How thrilling would that be to wake up in the middle of the night and chase a lion down with a spear? Wow!

When night comes we are not allowed outside the compound due to wild animals attacking, luckily I brought lots of books with me...6 or so? Ha! I read Francis Chan's book "Fogotten God," he put my thoughts into words: "Life is too short. I don't want to speak about Jesus; I want to know Jesus. I want to be Jesus to people....I want to experience His presence in my life in a profound way."

I have so much more to tell...I don't have time or space though. Ha!

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Functioning...sorta.

Nairobi: pic from the car

I am finally rested and feel like I am on the correct time schedule. I didn't realize how much jet-lag would affect me. I was not acting like myself at all but now I am my happy self- Yes!

We have internet the first couple days because we are still in Nairobi with the missionaries. We leave for Maasai-land tomorrow morning. The missionaries just moved into a new home, it is beautiful! It hasn't been too difficult to adjust here yet just because things aren't that different. The food is very similar to Indian cuisine, which I love. The shower has been harder for me to get used to...the water is really low pressure and I'm pretty sure it just doesn't work right. If I lift the shower head above my head it totally stops working, so I sit down while taking a shower and even than the water just drips out. Ha!

Nairobi: Boy selling peanuts in the middle of a busy street.

I am ready to be out in the bush with my team. The missionaries will be two hours away from us in Nairobi, I was worried about this at first but I feel we will learn the most out on our own. We went grocery shopping yesterday and today, we are getting enough stuff for the next two weeks but after that we will be walking to the nearest town (Narok-20min walk) for our groceries. I am so ready for the challenge of being out on our own....or so I think. We were told that there might not be bathrooms everywhere we go so we will have to get used to going behind bushes and such. Also, us girls might have to carry our feminine products after we use them and disgard them at the end of the day. Super gross, I know. I will have to get used to aiming when I go...I'm afraid I will be smelling like urine most of the day-ugh! Lol.

I do wish we had more time to be in the cities and work in the slums...there are so many poor people that it is insane! Fact: Nairobi has 4 million people and the infrastructure should only hold 100,000 people.

Another congested street

I am so happy to serve alongside my team. They are a wonderful bunch. I have had so much fun getting to know each of them and I can't wait to know them even more as we go out on this little adventure.

We need the Spirit in order to live faithfully. But we also need one another as we work out our faith.
-Francis Chan

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KENYA!

I made it to Kenya! Our first flight was delayed which made us miss our connecting flight to London so we ended up spending the night in DC and left for London the following day. I was upset by the delay but it ended up being good. I was able to explore DC and London with a few other friends, we walked all over in the heat but I saw so much!

Layover in DC: Me and other interns
toured the city before heading to London.

We arrived in Kenya at 6am this morning...they want us to stay awake today so we can adjust to the schedule as fast as possible...I'm a zombie. Seriously. I am so exhausted I don't think I will remember anything today. Ha!

Once we arrived in Kenya our teams split up: 16 stayed in Nairobi, 2 flew to Turkana, and me and my team (4) will be driving out to the Maasai people on Monday. It was sad to say goodbye to the other teams but I know we will all be able to bring back amazing stories from where we'll be serving this summer. I can't wait to hear what God does through each individual.

The team with the host missionary
family-ready to leave for Maasailand.

So far Kenya reminds me a lot of Bolivia, the cars and driving is similar but the poverty seems more evident here. I know my heart will be broken many times this summer.

I'm falling asleep at the computer so I'm gonna end the post. Lol.

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A group of us had to work together to make this
movable bridge during our ropes course.
The group consisted of teams who would spend the summer in:
Mexico, Turkana, Ivory Coast, Burkina Faso, Ethiopia and Maasai

The Internet has been down the past few days so I haven't had a chance to write...Saturday we headed out into the woods to do rope courses. I thought this was going to be lame but it was actually lots of fun. The courses dealt with trust/team building. Some of the obstacles we had to do were: climbing a 10 and 15ft wall-our team had to make it up the wall, we could only use our team members to get up. The guys ended up hoisting the females up and other team members would help the guys up. In another activity we had to build a moveable bridge and get our entire team over the "water" and onto the other side. Each activity performed there were specific instructions and stipulations to each course-we really had to work as a team to accomplish each task.

PDO: Playing cards with MB and Erin.

Sunday we went to a church that supports CMF and the pastor preached on Ecclesiates. He discussed wise choices we can make. King Solomon had everything and yet he found various pleasures to be meaningless. King Solomon concluded, "Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man." Ecl. 12:13

Partners at the rope course!

The cross is what makes the true difference in our lives. At the end the church prayed over the 35 individuals leaving for Africa-what a blessing! I am in awe of how many people are praying for our teams this summer, amazing!  

We leave this evening for London, we should arrive there tomorrow morning around 10am. I am heading into the city with a few friends for the day. I can't wait to see London and then we'll arrive in Nairobi, Kenya at 6:45am on June 3rd. I really hope I'll be able to sleep on the plane...Please continue to pray!

"But whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster."
-Prov. 1:33

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I am an Otter.

Today was beneficial yet very frustrating for me. We had a workshop on spiritual warfare, culture shock and how we can get to know ourselves plus those who we'll be working with. There is so much application that I found it rather overwhelming. At the end of the full day of lectures I needed to escape. I needed time to process through my thoughts so I took a long walk outside by myself.
We took a personality test today, I typically don't care for them but in this case of trying to quickly understand how I work as well as my peers the little test ended up helping a lot. I am an otter. What does that mean? Well, I am typically enthusiastic, get people motivated and involved, and just like making life fun. I tend to desire situations where I can maintain friendly relationships, need a freedom from control and detail, I like having the opportunity to motivate and serve individuals, and need a platform to verbalize my ideas. When accomplishing a task as a team I need approval otherwise I will become discouraged. I work well with and appreciate individuals who are democratic and friendly, love social involvement while working and I connect well with risk-takers. :) I tend to be optimistic and my time frame is future oriented. One of my weaknesses I have is I can make quick decisions without knowing all the facts.
I have a perfect example of a "quick decision," I ended up purchasing a really nice Cannon camera yesterday (rebel xs). I was planning on getting one before I left but just didn't have time. I was certain that my decision was great after making a few quick phone calls to my rents and a friend, I made my purchase. When I got back to the center with my camera I started second-guessing my purchase and proceeded to ask numerous peers for advice. I asked 3 tech guys what they thought, if my purchase was stupid or not...I needed reassurance. The personality test hit major traits of mine-it was good. It was also really helpful to discuss all this with my team and see how each of them deals with tasks and potential conflicts.

The last activity for the evening was a game about cultures. There were two teams each with a different culture, a different set of rules and guidelines for being part of that specific culture. The teams were seperated and given cards with rules on how to trade. In my specific culture we could not speak English we had to use gestures and syllables to communicate to the other members while trading, the person who receives the most cards in a sequence gets a point. It was so challenging to be part of a new way of communicating. Me and three others from my "tribe" were sent over to observe the other culture. Those from the other "tribe" could speak English but had a totally different way of trading, they were social and very "touchy," but it was easy to offend them so if you did something that they felt was inapropriate they could kick you out very quickly. If they liked you (complimenting and talking about family) you would receive an initial from them and they would go through with a trade. It was confusing and frustrating because we didn't know the guidelines of the other "tribe," what was proper and what wasn't. I became irritated and thought the game was absolutely ridiculous...it wasn't. The game ended up showing me my weaknesses- pride, frustration and lack of patience. I have a lot to work on.
I really pray that I will be willing to be open, accepting, patient and have a love that is bold...even when I feel alone and confused. My underlying fear is that I will be more of a hindrance or burden to the Maasai, missionaries, and my team. I pray I will be a blessing instead.


"Our task is to be effective agents of spiritual transformation in people's lives, whatever that may cost in time, comfort, or image."
-David Kinnaman

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